A State of Ugly

I have recently found myself in a state of ugly.  I say recently as if it is a new thing, although, really what I mean is that I have finally started to see it.  The ugly within myself.  That may sound harsh, it probably is.  But, wouldn’t you want those closest to tell you if you were being unpleasant?  This is me looking in the mirror, telling myself.  I’ve spoken briefly before about the mentality of a rejecter. The refusal of accepting things to be good when they are good.  The refusal of accepting love, even when it’s freely given.  The refusal mostly of just seeing things and believing them.  This mentality puts me in a state of not feeling like myself, or not feeling okay, with no real reason.  I’ve felt it creeping back around.  And it is so detrimental to living a healthy, happy life. You see, whenever you are the victim of the rejecter mentality, you form a habit of being just that…the victim.  But, I’m not.  Or, I shouldn’t be.

What I’ve noticed lately is how bad my insecurities are fogging my vision of other people.  How they are playing the devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear that I’m not good enough, and it must be someone else’s fault.  People I don’t even know have become “threats” to me.  These insecurities are creating scenarios in my head that are being absolutely destructive to already existent, and future possible relationships.  It’s so ugly.

Ugly.  That’s the word I used to explain to a second grader the way she was acting.  “That’s ugly, and no one wants to be ugly.”  Yet, here I am, preaching to the choir while drinking from the jug in the back row.  It’s so unpleasant.

          Joyce Meyer said, “if you ever find yourself victim of someone’s bitterness, smallness, or insecurity, just remember, it could be worse, you could be that person.”  

How terrifying to think that someone could be thanking their lucky stars that they are not me in a situation.  That they could feel as though my ugliness was spread towards them because of an insecurity, and that they would never want to possess those traits.

I don’t know what it is.  I can honestly say that immediately after ugliness or bitterness in most situations, I feel horrible.  I want to apologize to the people I have acted ugly towards, or even thought ugly thoughts about.   I so often advertise the importance of being good to each other.  Of empowering all of our fellow women in their strengths and weaknesses.  Picking each other up when we fall.  Telling all of our stories because we all have so much to learn from each other, and such an opportunity to grow.

I guess I’m saying this all because I almost feel guilty.  Like a false advertisement.  Here I am advertising all of this stuff about self-love and loving one another, all the while I am full of bitterness, jealousy, and resentment.  I’m saying this all to say that if we allow it, all of these things will steal our joy, our happiness, and the promises we have laid out for us.  It’s a hard sting, but, it’s time to open it up, air it out and let the healing happen.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  – Ephesians 4: 31-32