Too Much, Never Enough

I’m finding myself caught in a web of too much and never enough.  Although complete opposites, I always seem to be standing smack dab in the middle of one of them.  You know when you’re at a party in which you really don’t know many of the guests, but, you don’t want to seem like a fuddy duddy so you start telling really bad jokes or stories, and all of a sudden everyone is looking at you like, “who invited that chick?”   It’s kind of like that.  You walk in feeling not enough, like the uninvited guest, so the only logical solution is to be a little too much, that way people at least know you are. The problem is, I’m not feeling that way at a party with a bunch of  strangers, I’m feeling that way in the midst of my very own life.

The devil has a funny way of grabbing hold of our weaknesses and running with them. In my case, that weakness is anxiety.  Something not many like to talk about, or understand to be a serious monster.  But for me, once he takes off running, I see that flaming torch in his hand, and I have to start chasing.  And there I am in a whirlwind of self wallow, insecurity, and state of feeling too much and never enough.  One little problem turns into a million big worries.  A bad joke at the party spirals into never being invited again.  It’s exhausting.

The thing of it is, trying to be everything for everyone while at the same time being nothing to yourself is not a healthy habit.   I like to be the “go-to” girl.  The one everyone trusts with all their problems, or their kids, or their money.   But, sometimes, you have to be your own “go-to” girl, and if she’s telling you that you need to slow down, make time, take a breath…well, I’m sorry sister, but your going to have to do it.  Or you’re going to be stuck there too, in the too much, never enough web.

It’s hard when we start growing up, and our seasons people are changing.  We start feeling hurt, or left out, but, in reality, the leaves are just blowing to their new homes, and our branches aren’t needed to hold them anymore.  I’m the type that keeps running trying to catch them all, in hopes that my super glue will hold them on forever, but, sometimes it just doesn’t work that way.

The truth of it is, you should never be too much or never enough to anyone, including yourself.   So, when you start feeling that way, pray about it, talk about it, but, do not be overcome by it.    Drop the hot glue, or you’ll only end up getting yourself stuck in the web.

You deserve the very best.  And, rest assured, when you find it, there will be lots of laughs at your bad jokes and pointless stories.  Receive it.