“In your chest there is a compass, in your blood there is a calling, and in your head there is a vision, you called that ‘the dream’ and leavins’ part of it, if you didn’t you might never know..”
Wednesday, August 8th. 10am.
I’m sitting here at my dining room table, still in my pajamas, a cup of coffee to my left, and my partner in crime cat, Ezra, to my right, staring curiously as I type. Lori McKenna’s newest record, The Tree, playing in the background. (Above lyric provided from a record favorite, “The Way Back Home”)
It’s so weird, I should be at work. I should be at my desk in a newly promoted position, with a pretty title, and a pretty workplace, and comfortable setting. But, I’m not. I’m here, in my dining room. I guess you could say I’m enjoying the last of my “kind of first summer” as a school teacher. Constantly questioning if I have made the right choice.
How did I get here?
Several months ago I started praying for a change. I was never specific, because in being quite honest, I didn’t know what kind of change I was needing. I was in a new position that I had worked extremely hard for, nearly six years with the company, always trying something new to showcase that I could do more. Things were pretty great with my family and friends, a new niece brought into the family, full of life, and lots of love. I unexpectedly starting dating someone new, and things seemed to actually be flowing as they should. But, something was just off. In the midst of all the greatness around me, I felt myself often times feeling so…empty, for lack of better wording. The past was often creeping up on me, terrible things that have happened to myself, or my family. Missing people. Missing being young and free. I was becoming mean. Hateful. Hard to deal with. I couldn’t even stand myself a lot of the time. It sounds dramatic, and it’s hard to share, because people often times think just that, that I’m sharing some dramatized version of myself for the attention, or the feedback, or whatever else it is that people assume. Should I see a shrink? Take some happy pills? I don’t know. But, at the end of the day, all I knew to do was pray. And guys, I’m kind of bad at praying. That’s an admission too. I sometimes get so caught up in the “routines” of it that I forget that the best prayers are not necessarily before bed and when waking up, but, in the car on your way to work, in the gym, at your desk, in the shower, and so on.
“Lord, whatever I need, whatever I’m missing, whatever I’m not hearing, or seeing, please show it to me. Whatever I need to fill this void, whatever change I need to feel like happy Holly again, show it to me.”
That was it, that was all I had.
Of course, going from a medical records supervisor to an elementary school teacher wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. So, when I got an unexpected call, it took me a minute to figure out that maybe this was the change. The why took a moment to figure out. But, a couple things came to mind; I’ve always wanted to help people, this is helping the utter most important people, kids, the future. I’ve also never been able to rid myself of a traveling soul, a gypsy spirit. Having an office job makes it hard to be spontaneous and follow the trails when twelve months out of the year you are confined to an office chair. I want to write more, write a book, expand this blog, but, at the end of the every day, my mind was so tired that the last thing I wanted to do was log on to a computer again. My biggest life goal has always been to be a great wife, one who puts dinner on the table every night, and keeps a clean house. A stay at home mom, one who doesn’t have to miss out on her kids milestones. I’m neither yet a wife nor a mother, but, with some thinking, I realized that when that time comes, this profession allows me to at least have that kept house, and be home with future children during those summer months. To not have to feel the guilt of going on vacations because you are leaving more work for someone else at your job. And, my travel and exploring and writing about those experiences until those days come will certainly be more often.
This change was like God putting the compass in my hand, telling me that I must first follow this direction if I want to continue to the future that I have kept in my heart, even at the times that it didn’t seem possible.
I’ve had a few fights with the devil this last week. Overwhelmed with worry, anxiety, questioning myself. But, no way mister, not today.
Am I terrified? You better believe it!
But, as I always promote with all you other ladies….
She who dares succeeds….right?